Monkey grind

An interesting few days past this week... Started my new job at The Grill restaurant in Auckland, the first fine dining restaurant I have ever worked in. Partly run by Sky city, partly by an apparently famous Aussie chef Sean Connelly. I have to dress like a penguin, shirt, tie, waistcoat and shoes that give me blisters. Unlike all the other bars I've worked in, this is purely dispense bar work. Take a ticket, make a drink, pass it off to the waiters to get the glory. That being said, I made a 5 dollar top for "a stunning margarita", and I have been tipped as making the best old fashioned in Auckland thoug I suspect as the gentleman was 5 old fashioned down I could have given him a rum and coke zero and come out on top. I must confess, I'm already a little bored. The restaurant is quietening down as Easter looms and summer closes. The hardest part of the job is deciphering the acronyms for the 350 different wines. It's is quite nice to be back on the bottom for a bit, no paperwork, no real responsibility. There's another English guy working as a waiter who feels very mucho eh same having recently sacked in a GM job in England for a slice of the quiet life. I think I can stick it out for a few months, the pays not bad and the people are nice enough. I have already managed to break 6 rather expensive wine glasses and skewer myself with one, much to the amusement of the entire staff. O, and I tripped over a blind man, very nearly snapping his white I stick under my giant clown feet. Thought he was a street sweeper. And most unhappily, I am missing the ack.and beer festival due to work. Balls.

Irish gold

Comedy It's been a few days since I've written now. Admittedly, not a lot has happened in the last few days in the grand scheme of things, but enough to make me chuckle at the very least. On Friday I moved into jens house out in mt Wellington. Its beautiful out there, a mere 12 k from the city centre, but it feels like a different world. I have my own room, double bed, and a 40 inch tv and 400 plus DVDs to keep me company. The cats...well two I never see, the third insists on walking between my legs at every given opportunity, andhaving a nibble on my flesh when I'm not looking. Saturday night was great. I met up with Hayz, an old friend from the uk from the good old creative days. We spent a few hours reminising over wine, and once again ended up in the fucking globe. Sunday and Monday mostly consisted of me slumped on the sofa eating and watching tv. A welcome change to my darkened dungeon in base. It was quiet, peaceful, there was sunshine and a window I could look out of! Tuesday- I decide after two days of sweet fa it's time to sort my life out to some degree. I take the train into town-after a mad dash around trying to find a cashpoint so I can buy a ticket on the move- on,y 40 mins and undoubtedly more pleasant than the equivalent London commute from zone 3. I try my very best to get my IRD (nz tax number akin to the Uuk's NI)' but alas my documentation isn't good enough for the nz government and I have to wait fr the arrival of my English driving licence in the post (thanks mum). So I end up in the Darby, not quite the globe, but shares toilets with it so it might as well be. I join Niall for what began as an innocent coffee, but when it turns out they don't have English tea (the Scott nearly threw a chair through the window), we settled on tiger and e drinking began. It was after 12 so acceptable, barely. We are joined by Declan and Owen, two Irish lads from the globe. The conversation quickly turns from Brittany's obesity problem to Jesus and his 5 fishes. W had between us two Catholics, a Protestants and myself, Christian raised but sceptical at best. Oddly enough, if you have ever read The God Delusion but eh infamous Richard Dawkins, there is a paragraph T the beginning of the book stating 'by the time you finish this book if you will not believe in god'. I have paraphrased slightly, but you get the gist. I started that book at the age of 21, after several friends and relatives had passed through both natural and unfortunate circumstances and I had turned my back on God and considered myself an atheist. My work is based predominantly around logic and numbers so science is my religion. Tis book however, had e opposite effect our devious little dawkins intended and infant opened my mind once more to the possibility. I am relieved it was just a mind opening, despite how fantastic the irony old be when presented to sir atheism himself. Anyway, Owen preceded to tell us how he had managed to have a quick shag in the Vatican, twice in fact as they were unsure the first time as to whether they were intact inside the official boundarys of the Vatican. Legend. Also, in true Irish -I don't give a fuck what you think bout me- fashion he regained us with heartwarming stories of his wet dreams and raoe fantasies. I fell off my stool twice. And then had the balls, being a rather over weight man himself, to take the piss out of the the three stick thin spaniels walking by with a pizza each under their care. 'three pizzas for 3 people, that right there is the problem withthe world. Faking dominoes'. God bless the Irish and their complete disregard for discression. Finished off the day with a 500g steak the size of my face at Father Teds, for 15 bucks!!

Rain

I find out this morning most of the North of the north island is flooded, people have no power, dogs and cats everywhere. And ive been moaning for 3 days that i cant walk the 10 yards to the pub without getting my jandles wet.

day 19

An adventureous day today. after spending the previous 5 reading-5 arthur c clarke books, what a legend-i decided to pull my socks up, to a certain degree.

Job trial tonight. Spent 2 hours behind a restaraunt dispense bar. not my usual ground but all thigns considered not bad. My training bartender was an incredibly hot frenchie called Sarah. I knew i had the cocktails and coffe down, but the 350 wines...shit the bed. I did well though. First cocktails were to some regulars, an aussie and a scott. One mojito and one old fashioned, after my trainers insistance that they put me to the test. I get a 10 out of 10 "best old fashioned I have ever had" from the aussie, and a comfortable thumbs up on the mojito. All-brilliantly timed- infront of the Duty manager and my, now, new boss Ed.

So to the Globe to celebrate, after some fantastic Kiwi ales in Gilbraiths. Otter eat your heart out. The night begins with Jelly Wrestling, fantastic, but ot as good as the wet t-shirt last night. Boobs galore whatever though. I do envy Jay the english bar manager somewhat. He spends his days shouting down a mike at beautiful women to get their tops off. Nine times out of ten they listen. Though when speaking to him about it, he shruggs non-challontly (typo i swear). Clearly he loves it, but never tells his parents more than they need to know.

So two weeks and a grand down, Ive got a job and a house. Others travellers seem impressed at my speed in sorting a life here. Ive applied for one job and nailed it, and never even had to look for a house. Luck is on my side this year, I just hope it lasts. I will probably end 6 feet under snow in queenstown this winter. but what a way to go...

New Zealand in general

New Zealand So I figured I had better write something about new Zealand in general, rather than my frivolous forays into bars and beaches around the coast. I have to begin with the kiwisthemselves. On arrival in Auckland I went to see my old friend Jen, a kiwi I met a few years ago working in the globe in London. Now she knew I was going to be coming for a while, but still I wasn't expecting the welcome I received. A I walked into her office, she was chatting withi some customers. I caught her eye, and she started to bounce up and down in her chair, eyes wider than the moon, a look of unbelievable excitement on her face. She hastily cut the awkward goodbye with her customers and almost dived across the desk and leapt, that right she leapt right into my arms and wrapped herself around me like a cat. Certainly that is the best welcome I have ever had, and has set standards for all. Aside from Jen, the kiwi's are a generally friendly bunch. Not so much in e city, as with every where in the world in the city you are expected to stay the fuck out of everyone's way and never dare look them in the eye. The morris are friendly too, but much like the African English population back home they do seem a little wary of us foreigners. And everybody here is either skinny and short ish if white, and rather large if Maori. I guess it's genetic, but Ill be fucked if I could find a pair of trouser less then 34 inches long! my experience in the ASB bank was exceptional. I was recommended that it was the best bank in nz and the one to get an account with. Now I was expecting it to take days, weeks even to sort an account for myself, being a fereng here. Even being a a national back home it takes an extortionate amount of time to do anything money related. I walked into the branch and was greeted by a charming young fellow called dale. With a massive smile and 'Kia oral' he invited me over to his desk and asked if there was anything I could be helped with. 20 mins-I shit you not-later and I had two bank accounts, an eftpos card and pin. Unbelievable. And win 24. Hours I had transferred, painlessly, nine, all my saving from the uk. Ok, so it cost me £25 quid for the transfer, but I need no phone calls or security bollocks to get it done. God bless the 21st century. Outside of Auckland, everyone was even nicer. Every isite (information centres) we hit we were greeted with smiles, and e very one wanted to know how we were. I know wee all moan back home how shite the customer service is, but until you get outside the motherland you don't realise that Uwe are intact a bunch of rude, thoughtless, grumpy bastards. I'll mention the weather briefly at this point, only because the sound of the rain outside the window reminds me of the beach scene at the star of Saving Private Ryan, it's a bloody wares one out there, rain hammering on the roofs like gunfire. The first few days were cloudy, then as I left Auckland for the coramandel peninsular we had 5 glorious days. And I tell you what, you can feel that hole in the ozone. I doused myself in layer pon layere of sun cream, factor 70. I have no doubt without it I would have ended up crispier than Sam Neil in Horizon. Despite my bst efforts I did manage to get burnt on both ankles andthe top of my chest. I screamed like a girl when I got aftershave on that a few days later, much to e delight of the English girls in my dorm room. Still the sympathy vote got me a few Bump and grinds on the dance floor that night. So, the people, the weather...what else. I suppose I had better mention the base backpackers and the globe bar. I vaguely remember this place from my last fleeting visit over 8 years ago.The ACB xbase backpackers I just of queen street above e Westpac bank, opened in 1960 by sir Ian mackellan of all people. God bless gandalf. I remember this place being...I'm not really sure. I was drunk every night I as here last time. But it was just as I remembered. A 10 minute wait in the lobby for a knackered old lift to squah into, taking me up to the wide reception on the 3rd floor. Eplace was rammed as I had arrived around 10am checkout time. (on that, I firmly believe all hostels should adopt a 12am checkout and a later check in, backpackers would fucking love it) a very smiley German took my booking nd went throu the all the grubbing with me. Painless, and for 97 dollars I got 4 nights in. 6 bed dorm on the 10th floor, with a sort of view of queen street and a sliver of harbour thrown in for luck. Comfortable bed, and just big enough for 6 foot 4 me. My prayers on e way up the lifet were answered and I was lucky enough to get a bottom bed. The guy opposite me who arrived a few minutes laters had a top bunk so squeaky it sounded like a mouse farting every time he took a breath. Important advice, doorms without windows may be cheaper, but in that darks and hellishly warm cave hours can pass without you knowing, and its fucking annoying when people come back pissed because they HAVE to turn on the fucking light to get into bed. Showers were great, hot water every day at any time. The rest of the hostel is pleasant enough, a large chill out area round from reception, with a coffee bar where you can gt breakfast for 6 bucks, and a decent coffee for 4. A bank of pcs all with headphones for Skype at 3 bucks an hour. Cheaper for wifi, 8 for 24 hours. A small job centre and the xbase travel shop finish it off. Round the corner is a mahooosive kitchen, full of gas burners and fridges, no ovens sadly, but a microwave for my uncle bens rice later. And now to the Globe. In the bowels of the base is the bar, open from six till three ish every day of the week. Every night there are games, pool comps, poker, drag races etc. fun for all the family. Cheap drinks every night, 7.50 for 2 'pints' of lager. It's starts out quiet, a few mates having an early beer. By 12pm the place is a sex pot of hormones and drunken debaucherous disheveled. Bloody brilliant. The jäger girls are amazing, clearly there in hot pants and boob tubes just to make you spend your cash, but by god they do a damn good job of it. I'm in love with the Lithuanian...and the German...and the English. That place swallows your money like water, and the cheeky bartenders insist its cheaper to pay for 3 jäger bombs, even if you only want two, just so they can have one! Still it's a great nice and everyone is incredibly friendly. As with last time ideas there, the winner stay on rule with pool is the best way to meet some strangers. In fact Niall the Scott I played my first game with I ended up travelling with for a week. The globe is a gem, but it certainly wares you down after a while. Must get out and drink in other bars, there are some fantastic ones in Auckland, cassette 9 and their famous t pot cocktails, the occidental, a great Belgium beer pub. But you are always drawn back to the globe. It's just so easy got stagger to the lift and flop out on to your floor and into bed.

Auckland again

So here I am back in the pissing rain and grey murkey city of auckland. wehey. Made it through the globe bar last night with only 3 pints and bed by 11.30, bloody miracle. Job interview was quick and rather dull. Now have to wait for recruitment to get in touch with HR to get i touch with the restaraunt, and back again, so I can get an hour trial shift. House moving friday, cannot wait to get out of my windowless hole on the 5th floor, its a timeless dungeon of weird sights and smells and creaking beds. More job hunting to do, just incase I can find my dream job online...

Rotarua

My foreign companions still sleeping after a heavy night, I hit the Lava bar opposite the xbase at 10am for a beer and breakfast. Cheers to the Irish for St Patrick and a heavy day one of Guinness and whiskey.

I'm never leaving

I just spent an hour writing is fucking blog and just lost it all, so you can have the cliff notes, I promise in future I will try to be less drunk, hungover, lazy and get it done day(ish) by day. Flight- long, boring, drunk, food gave me the trots for days Hotel- spa unbelievable, kiwi tv is shite New zealanders- hilariously warm and welcoming. Cheers to Jen, Dave and all my new mates Acb xbase backpackers- debaucherous, brilliant Dan and Niall- German, Scottish, animals Auckland- hangover, boats, hills Coromandel peninsular- I wanted to sink into the ground, root my feet and live forever as a tree and part of the scenery Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once. Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, it seems to me most strange that men should fear; Seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come Bill Shakespeare - legend